Seasons change and so do the months.  It seems to be that there really are no constants in life, which is a good thing when you really think about it.  We don’t want things to be static; we want them to be dynamic in more ways than one.  I don’t know what it is for me, but as I age (I know 26 is not much of an age) I realize that time goes faster and faster.  However because of all the things that I buy myself with I am okay with this factor.  The fact that May is upon us tomorrow is just crazy to me though I am looking forward to summer months for some much needed vacation time off and a way to get refreshed and renewed for another school year.  

May is my birthday month.  May babies are pretty special if you ask me.  As someone that shares a birthday with the late Pope John Paul II, I know that May birthdays are special.  I’m turning 27 this month…well, tomorrow’s month, but if there is one thing about my age that surprises me, it is that I look at the 27 years I have been on this earth and I wonder where they went.  

I am a person that often reflects on how past events went in my life.  Not just good, but also bad.  I reflect on what could have gone better or what went the best that it could.  I look to the future to think about all the neat things that could happen in my life, and I try my hardest not to let things bother me ever, but they do.  Sometimes they bother me a lot.  But you know what, that’s okay.  Acknowledgement of these anxieties and working through them is half the battle of becoming a stronger person I believe.  

Have you ever heard of being mindful?  Not in the sense of just thinking about things in general but mindfulness as a practice?  Recently in my new found habits as of lately I have really been trying to concentrate on mindfulness and think about the present.  Reflection is good, don’t get me wrong, but mindfulness really helps you to focus on what is good now, not before, not after, but now.  I went for a walk tonight and I really took in the trail and all of nature’s glory even though the pollen count was a little too high for my nose to fully appreciate what I was smelling.  Life was truly blissful for the time that I completely focused on what was happening around me and not what I needed to be doing at home or this week.  

I am not cheery all the time, nor do I really want to be.  I know that may come as a shock to some, but I also know that anxiety is a normal part of life.  I have had panic attacks, and I don’t wish that on anyone because they are truly the epitome of scary.  However small anxieties keep us on our toes.  There are some unwanted anxieties that really keep us on our toes too.  Those are the ones that we don’t want but they happen anyway.  

May is a time for spring to really blossom.  A time for everything to come out of its hiding from winter and begin to explore the world around it.  Weather gets nicer, flowers and trees bloom, and we get more of a dose of Vitamin D in PA than we have had since August.  Did I mention May is my birthday month and that it is a pretty cool month?  Did I mention that I’m okay with turning 27 because it means new opportunities and more chances to improve myself?

Do we treat everyday like it’s May?  Do we come out of hiding and enjoy what is around us?  Do we allow ourselves to bloom and thrive even though we may have suffered a theoretical winter?  It’s really not the type of storm we weather, it’s how we weather it.  

I have been waiting patiently or not so patiently to write this blog until I was good and ready which is hard these days with my routine.  Alas, here I am with a title that could really mean a lot of different things in many different contexts.  However, when we look at the current situation of my body, we can see that there is less of me.  This less is a good thing.  Good for my health and good for my well-being.  However, I want to make it clear that losing weight really is not my goal in my changed eating habits and exercise routine.  I want to be strong and more fit.  I realize this is not a SMART goal and as a counselor that should bug me, but I guess I will know when I am satisfied.  Yes I want to lose some more weight, as it really is only healthy for me still.  I am down to a weight that I haven’t seen since college.  

With that being said, this time is wayyyy different in more ways than one.  When I rewind back to 2010-2012 there was a time that I was about the same weight that I am now, however I was a very sad, depressed person.  Which I know you may look at me now, and wonder “huh?”  But in all honesty, I was skinnier than my heaviest weight, but I was in a horrible state of mind.  I want to preface the following things I’m going to say with the fact that this should be something we talk about more as a society, stigma has no place with me.  

I would wake up in the morning at my apartment in Pittsburgh, look at myself in the mirror, and ask myself, “who are you?”  Now when you think about that statement as a young person it can mean many things.  I had lost my sense of self for really no reason at all.  My grades were fine, my friends were fine, my mom was in the process of moving which caused stress but everyone was supportive.  At this point I had settled into my major and the major stress of freshman year was gone.  However I had lost weight not because I was happy, but because I was sad.  Skinny and sad is really no place for anyone to be just like fat and sad is no place to be either.  

One of the reasons I wanted to be a counselor myself in the first place was because of my experiences with a counselor at Pitt.  I am stubborn.  I know this well, so when I was asked to meditate or listen to relaxation things I did not comply.  However talking helped, and the counselor I saw made an impact so great that is what I do everyday of my life.  

Fast forward to grad school.  I was teaching Zumba a couple days a week and going to the gym when I could but my mood had improved immensely since my junior year at Pitt.  I can’t tell you how it happened because if I knew I would not have turned that way in the first place but I gained all the weight back and then some that I lost when I was sad.  So this time I was fat and happy.  Happy is a much better place to be regardless of your size, stature, or weight.  I turned my thinking around, I choose to look at things from a whole different perspective and I choose happiness on a daily basis still even though I have my rough patches.  

Grad school was great.  Good grades, good friends, good times, and really nothing that I felt needed a change.  In 2014 I graduated and I got my current job the summer I graduated.  Hard work pays off, it really does and there is no greater feeling in the world than being satisfied and thankful for what you have in life.  Keep going through the years and it will bring you to 2016 when I started at the YMCA teaching Hip Hop and eventually Aqua Zumba.  I am a person that is a group fitness instructor, however you really wouldn’t have known it looking at me on the street, well at least I don’t think so. I ate whatever I wanted, and now that I look back my portion sizes were wayyyy out of control.  

So now it is April 2017.  I started my journey to being a more fit person in January.  On the 15th to be exact, I decided enough was enough.  I am not a person of new year’s resolutions so that can be thrown out the window, and I did not just think, “Oh man, I really need a diet.”  I really can’t tell you the event that switched my thinking in my brain and my choice, however I have not looked back since then and I don’t plan to.  Don’t get me wrong, I know there are going to be bumps in the road because the road to success is never a straight path, but I am more strong willed than I have ever been.  This time is different.  This time I am eating what I want in moderation.  This time I am giving 110% in my classes and the classes I go to.  

I never ever want to be the person seen as fat shaming or skinny shaming.  Neither is a good thing.  I want to be a person that motivates with their presence and encouragement.  A person that is seen as someone who can be a positive influence.  I look at myself not and I’m not only happy, I am also more healthy.  Happy and healthy is a great combination.  

Motivation is something that definitely has to be intrinsic and extrinsic in my beliefs.  I started going to Boot Camp and Body Pump in January (well Body Pump came later because I was not sure about that one) and the instructor is just phenomenal.  There really are no words that can really put to light how great she is.  Positive, caring, smiling, butt-kicking, and awesome are just some of the words that would describe her personality.  It doesn’t matter if we are doing push-ups galore or burpees for days, she is so motivating and never, ever puts anyone down.  I smile through the struggle every time.  I can do things that I never thought I could do because of her influence.  

I’m just getting started…I am 26 and looking forward to the rest of my life.  This is just the beginning.  Being strong is the same as being weak.  The difference is you don’t quit.  

I have turned a corner…a rather large corner I might add.  I am not one for resolutions so that is not what this is.  I really can’t say what made me “wake up” or want to change, but who really cares anyway.  I have been feeling for awhile that I needed to get back in control of my life as far as my weight goes.  I work out a few times weekly as most people know, but I have never been one to reflect that fitness lifestyle in my eating habits.  Diet pop was my crack, and candy, cookies, and other sweets were everything that I loved to snack on.  Everything in moderation.  That is what everyone says.  But it really hard to live that until you truly understand that it really is everything in moderation.  

One day I missed drinking a Diet Coke.  Then one became two and two became three.  I am now at 11 days pop free besides one fountain drink this past weekend.  Not only is this helping me to save money in the workplace since I typically would purchase one from the machine daily, but it is also helping me to focus on drinking more water which I never ever do.  I have been faithful about bringing my water bottle daily and focusing on trying to drink more water daily.  I have never cared for the taste of water besides when I work out, so this is a big change, however, I have not really craved pop or caffeine since I gave it the boot.  

Working out is the next corner turned.  I teach 2, sometimes 3 classes a week, but for awhile I was in a rut.  However, I am a positive person who knows that things will get better, so I am good now.  I am making new routines, and I have been growing my classes which is seriously the best.  And these classes during the week are not enough to make a lifestyle change, so pretty much any chance I get, I am going to go to the Y and at least walk on the treadmill if not the elliptical since the weather outside is not good for walking really.  I also found an app called FitStar which is a neat app that syncs with FitBit and allows you to do workouts with personal training videos.  So far, so good, and I hope to add Boot Camp and maybe Body Pump to my routine too.  Lifestyle changes…

Last thing to change is food.  One of the hardest things when you work in a school is not eating many sweets.  Birthdays, parties, treats, etc make it hard to say no to snacking.  Like I said, though, moderation.  Starving myself has never been a way that could ever work for me, but in the past I have cut out all sweets and been hungry.  I now know this is not what you need to do.  You need to allow yourself those treats, but instead of 3 cookies, you have one.  Instead of 8 Hershey Kisses, you have 2.  The quantity is really my downfall.  I have been eating more veggies, more proteins, and cutting back overall on my quantity but making sure that I have a treat here and there and not leave myself totally hungry.  

9lbs down.  That is small in the scheme of things, but it is 9lbs.  It is progress, it is moving forward.  It takes longer than 2 weeks to make a lifestyle change, but I am hoping that my will is strong enough to keep going.  I am well aware that skinny is not the same as being in shape.  However, losing weight is what I need to becoming more fit.  This “diet” which I would rather refer to it as a “lifestyle change” does not knock out any foods.  It allows me to have days where I rest, it allows me to eat fast food if I want one day.  It does not allow me to do it everyday or fall into a rut of spending all that money on that food either.  It’s not going to be easy, but then again, it shouldn’t be easy.  So here we go.  Buckle up, I’m ready to go.